Words
by melkyre
Summary: Reid centric. For 'Lauren'.


"_I'm good at a lot of things, you know. I'm not good at losing people. I'm bad at losing people." _

-Jennifer Marsh

Reid was no stranger to pain.

Mental. Physical. Spiritual.

Spencer Reid couldn't breathe. The young doctor felt his throat close, lips part and eyes flutter.

"_She didn't even make it off the table."_

The young profiler knew words could hurt. He was well aware, having said himself, that a twelve year old prodigy in a Las Vegas high school is not the most popular guy. He'd felt that breathless sting that gnaws at you when clueless kids insult your mentally insane mother or your deadbeat dad. That pain that knocks most sense from you and makes you want to just spin around and clock them right in the nose, if _oh I wasn't just twelve and tiny._

Reid spent his life running away from them.

The kneejerk reaction kicked in almost immediately. Memories of the dark haired friend were so vivid in his mind she could've been standing right next to him.

"_Why would she leave? We're her family..."_

World spinning, Reid tried to flee. His attempt almost worthless, (_oh god are my legs going to give out) _JJ stops him with a light hand.

"Spence."

The _pounding, pounding _heartbreak reminds him that it's been months, _months_ since anyone has called him Spence. It hurts, it hurts so badly and Reid just looks so helplessly at JJ.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye..."

And he's hugging her, and all he thinks is that they forgotten in this time that JJ wasn't with them, she just fell back in effortlessly and walked with their steps. No one had called him Spence or ruffled his hair like her. JJ was going to leave again after this and then there's no JJ _or Prentiss and oh god how am I still standing?_

Eyes squeeze and every ounce of restraint that held him down flooded through the gates... the words that had hit him harder than any physical blow, harder than your heart stopping on the cold floor of a shack in the middle of a graveyard, and harder than any gunshot wound. Because he's never going to see Prentiss again, and oh he knew something was wrong, she was biting her nails again why didn't he do something it's his entire fault...

He loosened JJ and she slipped away. Reid thought he might lose his mind, fall hard and fast like his mother and just wake in the mental hospital and worry about crayons. That sounded nice.

(_Breathe in, breathe out.)_

Hopelessly, Reid sees the team sitting, lost in grief on the benches that had housed them, held them while they waiting futilely for a teammate, friend and family member to return. He needs to breath and not lose his grip, because _Morgan, Rossi, Hotch, Seaver_ need him. They need some form of team to stand by them while they mourn someone who liked trashy gossip magazines, had a cat named Surgio (_where is he?),_ liked tea on the weekends and was someone he trusted more than anything.

"_Who else have you told?"_

Reid runs away, lanky posture sagging and eyes red. Air needs to fill his lungs.

"_You."_

Outside, with the clouds leaking and air thick, Reid feels the sharp headache rack through his skull again like a thunderstorm. He realizes that now no one knows. _Two can keep a secret if one is dead._ Romeo and Juliet quotes sear across his brain and Reid wishes, suddenly and more than anything, that Prentiss had just hung with him that night. Because now he'll never hang out with her again, and he doesn't know if he can deal with death. He doesn't know if he can handle this. But one way or another, he's going to find out...

Reid felt the pain of the words JJ spoke, and the grief second. This time with the grief, he's alone. All he can think, all that can register in his hurt genius brain, is that he never gets to say goodbye. To the vivid image dancing through his head of the _funny, kind, sweet, determined _girl. _(Breathe in, breathe out.) _

Reid was no stranger to pain. He'd been infected with dangerous diseases, injected with drugs and survived explosions. He'd been beat to the breath of life and felt the merciless stab of his mother's stare as she was taken away. All the trust, smashed.

Reid slunk down, knees giving out and he hunches against the wall, cold breath filling his lungs, headache cracking his head apart.

And deeply, with every inch of pain, grief, hurt and disbelief courses through every single cell of his self, Reid misses her.

(_Breathe in, breathe out...)_

"_Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."_

-Maximus

_AN – Yes. _

_For demarklovesnorway, who hasn't even watched it yet but I'll send this to her when she does. Also for my besties Germany and Sweden, who don't have accounts..._

_Gawshies Reid. I loves you._


End file.
